Over the years, my kids have shown an interest in helping in the kitchen, which is fantastic.
But for a long time, my first reaction wasn’t great.
A thought would immediately shoot through my mind, “I could do this so much faster if I just did it myself.”
Even when I let them help, I often would give incessant advice and correction such as, “Oh watch out….don’t do that…do it like this…etc”
Can you say control freak?
My younger and more challenging daughter would often respond, “Daddy, just let me do it!”
Thank goodness she is so strong willed. That should translate into good boundaries when she is older.
But after reading some good material on parenting and leadership, I made some changes.
I now allow more room for mistakes, trial and error, or independent troubleshooting—which will increase confidence, ownership, and delight.
One of my friends has five kids and therefore cannot possibly micromanage them, and I especially notice the younger ones developing more independence, autonomy, and confidence.
If you identify with this story, today we will review five good reasons (and some research) why parents and leaders should stop micromanaging and take a different approach.
- It damages independence and confidence. If adults step in too much, kids don’t learn to trust their own judgment and begin to believe the internal message, “I cant handle anything without help and I better check with someone before I do anything.” Later in life this can show up as hesitation, anxiety, and fear of taking healthy risks.
- It reduces ability to solve problems. Love and logic parenting books often say that “confidence comes from struggle.” Kids need to struggle with some safe conditions in place in order to learn persistence, adaptation, and innovation so that they don’t become dependent on direction to figure everything out.
- It increases anxiety and perfectionism. Constant correction signals that mistakes are not acceptable and can lead to self-criticism, fear of trying new things, and obsession with approval or getting this right the first time. And this isn’t a healthy or adaptive way to go through life.
- It damages ownership and decreases motivation. When kids feel controlled, their inner voice shifts from “I want to do this” to “How can I make this person happy” or “how can I avoid getting in trouble.” This undermines a sense of curiosity and pride in their own work.
- It can harm the relationship. Overall, micromanaging, controlling, or “overcoaching” sends a powerful unspoken message of “I don’t believe you can do this.” For the child, it feels like distrust, and resentment will grow. Kids who grow up in this environment may pull away as teens or resist guidance altogether, yet be unable to experiment and solve problems independently. Not a good combination. Controlling a child’s behavior may lead to compliance, but if these kids have not internalized the choices for themselves, they often rebel vehemently when they leave home.
One of my favorite little parenting books of all time is called “Tickets to Success” by Jim Fay, one of the founders of Love and Logic.
As a long time principal in the school system, he learned that kids who come from privileged homes where everything is tightly controlled or they are rescued from all the consequences of poor decisions, have a much harder time developing confidence and independence.
To paraphrase what Fay says—When we tell kids how to do everything or rescue them from appropriate consequences, what we are really doing is stealing vital opportunities for learning important life lessons.
Instead, they advise that parents let kids make a lot of mistakes early in life when the price tags are smaller.
One can easily see how these same principles could apply to leading a team.
Studies consistently show that a micromanaging leadership style harms team innovation, productivity, psychological safety, and engagement.
Unsurprisingly, micromanaged employees report higher stress levels, increased burnout, lower productivity, and low psychological safety—which are all predictors of lower performance. This also leads to higher turnover for the organization.
Try this instead…
- Let them help in the “kitchen.” Kids often have an innate desire to help, we just need to not squash it. Let them help whenever possible. For employees, they need opportunities to learn and try new things since humans are designed for growth and learning.
- Provide some clear instruction, then let them make some mistakes in a safe environment. By all means, give some instruction, but turn them loose to try things and make mistakes as long as the environment is not overly dangerous.
- Define the outcome but let them find the “how” to get there. This is a key principle of organizational leadership. Don’t map out every step in advance but make sure you have clarity and agreement on the final outcome that is needed. Find projects where the outcome isn’t critical and give lots of freedom to innovate. This can dramatically increase internal motivation, excitement, and a sense ownership.
- Don’t overcoach, and wait until they try several steps on their own. Lessons that are learned through experience are far more likely to become internalized. And less coaching is often more so that people won’t feel flooded with irritating advice. Notice when others shut down if you suggest too many things at once. Bit sized chunks of feedback work better with people in almost any context.
- Ask don’t tell. Try asking questions to elicit self-reflection and learning instead of providing advice or feedback. This approach is often much more effective for people to internalize principles and develop greater intrinsic motivation. Research shows that a coaching leadership style is one of the most effective ways to lead people.
Helping others learn and grow to independence is the primary job of any parent or leader. We want our kids to grow into successful adults and we must develop future leaders for effective succession planning and organizational survival. It takes more time up front, but nothing causes growth to explode like taking the time to develop future leaders.
One last example
A few years ago, I tried using YouTube to rewire my dryer.
Now I am not handy in any sense of the term, but after several hours and tons of mistakes, I finally figured it out.
The sense of accomplishment and boost in confidence I got from that simple task was huge.
If you’ve had a similar experience, you know your kids and teams need to feel this same sensation.
Have a great weekend!
Parker
Resources
- The Influence of Micromanagement on Employee Performance and Well-Being: A Systematic Literature Review. July 2025Asian Journal of Economics Business and Accounting 25(7):288-299. DOI:10.9734/ajeba/2025/v25i71891
