How to Say No Without Harming the Relationship

Bill is a hard-charging executive who finds it easy to say “no” to people, but often offends people with his harsh delivery.

Susie is a gifted middle manager who loves helping people, but can’t say “no” when her boss or colleague asks her for help of any kind. As a result, her calendar is overloaded, and people aren’t sure they can trust her “yes” because she takes on too many things.

One approach hurts people’s feelings and may damage the relationship.

The other method might put you on the fast-track to burnout.

Today’s article is about the fine art of the middle ground: How to say “no” with tact and clarity—in a way that preserves healthy relationships and keeps everyone focused on their most important work.

Many recent articles have been published on the common organizational phenomenon of “addition sickness.” This occurs when companies say Yes to far too many things (i.e. meetings, projects, etc.). As a result, the organization expands infinitely without any pruning—which will usually result in workforce burnout. The ability to deliver a thoughtful No is vital for the success of companies, and the people who work for them.

Here are some great strategies for considering what to say yes or no to, and how to tactfully decline:

1. Make sure you listen first and demonstrate empathy. Listening and acknowledging is the required first step in saying no to almost anything.
   1. What you can do: Most of communication is non-verbal so begin by facing the person, make eye contact, and put down your cell phone. Watch your facial expressions and body language and don’t interrupt. Try nodding and giving what therapists call the minimal verbal response such as “uh huh, yes, okay.” Humans are emotional creatures. Leaders who forget this will often experience significant problems in their careers. Author Stephen Covey often points out that fast-paced executives may be rude because they are in a hurry, but in the long run, its much more time consuming to damage important working relationships.
2. Ask clarifying questions to ensure you accurately understand what is being asked. Asking questions is one of the best ways to show that you are listening, understanding, and thoughtfully considering what the person is asking you for. We often misunderstand the initial request, so make sure you ask a few good questions to make sure you aren’t declining something you either want to do or should take on. This gives you some indication of how important the request is to the requester also.
   1. What you can say: Tell me a little more about this project and why it’s important?
3. Be clear and kind. Avoid being vague or overly apologetic, this will confuse people. The more excuses you give, the weaker your No becomes. Try to focus on your best reason for declining, and don’t give a long list. Watch your tone, facial expression, and body language if you feel yourself triggered or irritated. Take a pause before you respond. Also, saying No in a way that is unclear can create a lot of problems.
   1. What you can say: “Thank you for thinking of me, but I don’t have the bandwidth to take this on.”
4. Give a reason. Providing a reason helps people accept your response. Again, keep it short to avoid looking like you are reaching for any explanation. Become the kind of person who knows what they value and why you give your time to the most important things.
   1. What you can say: “I am currently working on an important project for my boss, and I really want to make sure I deliver on it.”
5. Provide alternatives. Do you have a good alternative to suggest? Providing the person with some suggestions can show you are really thinking about their needs.
   1. What you can say: “Hey, I know you need this. I can’t do this but I think Jim would be a great person for this project too, and he is looking for opportunities to grow. Do you want me to ask if he is interested?”
6. Can you do it later? You might want to do the project or help, but you simply don’t have the time right now. Ask if you can postpone.
   1. What you can say: “Honestly, I love this idea, but I am completely swamped right now. My schedule clears up next month, could it wait until then?”
7. Can you offer a partial yes? Sometimes you can do part of what someone is asking, but not the full project. It might work really well and satisfy the requester by testing something out without a full commitment.
   1. What you can say: “What if we try this as a pilot project for a month and then evaluate how useful it is?” or “What if I begin this new task with the idea that next month I will train my replacement and hand it off?
8. Frame your response around shared goals. If you both have already agreed on the most important goals, sometimes reminding the person of this helps clarify why certain things can’t be accomplished right now and gets you back on the same page.
   1. What you can say: “I know our current company strategic plan focuses on improving patient safety and the new safety project needs to get our best time and energy.”
9. Build a culture where a healthy “no” is permitted. Great leaders help create a culture where a thoughtful yes or no is valued, and healthy boundaries are encouraged. Modeling this is a great way to ensure that your employees respect when you say No and also follow your lead. Build a culture where saying No feels less like rejection and more like clear priorities.

Some final thoughts

The bottom line is being able to say No with respect, clarity, and alternatives.

Most of the suggestions above apply to a peer or subordinate, but saying No to your boss is different and requires additional consideration.

When you want to say no to your boss you might say: “I can take this on, but it might slow me down on the other project. What do you suggest and how can I best prioritize?” Most of the time, your boss may have no idea what all is on your plate. I’ve found that a simple non-defensive reminder with questions can be really helpful.

Regular meetings, feedback, and performance evaluations are also vital for a healthy working relationship with your boss.

Another fantastic item is a one-page written business plan that you and your boss both keep every quarter. This helps both parties remember what you agreed was most important to work on, and you can come back to it whenever new projects are introduced. Email me if you want a copy of this free document with instructions.

Although this article is written for the workplace, it should be obvious that many of these strategies are also highly effective with your partner or children. Human beings need listening, understanding, and empathy. Don’t limit your new behaviors to work, try them out at home as well.

Take action now

Whether you take on too much or say No too harshly, take some time next week to pick one or two strategies above and deliberately try out the new behavior and monitor the reaction you get.

Have a great weekend!

Parker

Want more resources?

1. Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no, take control of your life by Cloud and Townsend.
2. Boundaries for Leaders by Cloud and Townsend.
3. The Book of No by Susan Newman.