Today’s BIG IDEA— “Your greatest contribution to the world as a leader may not be something you do, it might be someone you raise.” –Andy Stanley
When my first daughter was born, the nurses could tell we were total rookies in the parenting game, so they graciously provided us with a quick crash course in changing diapers, soothing, and feeding.
I don’t know what I thought it would be like, but I remember thinking—“Seriously, millions of people throughout history actually had children? This is crazy!”
And just when we started to feel like we were getting the hang of it two days later, they said, “Okay, you guys are ready to go home now” and they gently—but firmly—kicked us out of the hospital.
One of my first moments of panic came when I wrestled with the car seat like a complete amateur in the hospital parking lot, realizing that the safety of this precious little life had just been thrust into my care.
Most parents will tell you that you never feel prepared to be a parent—I certainly didn’t.
I felt unprepared and wanted to invest the time learning about effective parenting behaviors. And I can still say that it is the most humbling and challenging thing I have ever done.
But over the years, my wife and I have found some helpful resources which have been integrated into this article.
If you want to lead well in all areas of your life, it is essential to develop a thoughtful strategy for leading your children.
Strong parenting is one of the most important influences on the future of the world
The strongest kind of leadership involves building a foundation of leading yourself well first, then leading your family, and then looking to impact the workplace and world.
When life bestows the blessing of another human into our care, it becomes one of the most important responsibilities we will ever have. I could screw up a lot of other things in my life, but I don’t want to regret not giving my best time and energy to my parenting account.
“Parenting is perhaps the only unique leadership role that I have, every other leadership job can be done by someone else.” –Andy Stanley
After working in a maximum-security prison for 10 years of my life (and five years in solitary confinement), I can honestly tell you that prisons are not filled with bad people. People are often surprised when I say that.
But imagine this scenario for a moment: Your mom used drugs when she was pregnant with you causing your brain not to develop properly, your dad went to prison when you were three years old, your mom worked three jobs to pay the rent, your older brother was shot in a drive by shooting when you were seven, you were exposed to drugs when you were eight and joined a gang for protection when you were ten, you start stealing to make money, get kicked out of school for fighting, and you meet more negative peers in juvenile hall, get a brain injury from a car accident, and develop bipolar disorder at 18 years old because it runs in your family. How would your life have turned out?
These things are much less likely to happen when strong parenting is present.
Sadly, I recall when an inmate with a life sentence told me he had ten children. Therefore, the devastating effects of children without strong parents often continues across generations.
Especially in light of my time at the prison, I believe that strong parenting is one of the most important things we can ever do to shape a better future.
Take advantage of great parenting wisdom and resources available
Many things in the world will fight to influence your children, but parents can still be the most powerful force.
In the modern world, some parents can take this too far by obsessing over trying to control every variable in their child’s life. I am not advocating this approach. This will only leave you exhausted and stressed out.
But I like what author and coach Daniel Harkavy says about it—“We cannot control everything that happens to our children, but we do want to stack the odds in our favor.”
People often say, “Kids don’t come with an owner’s manual.” But sometimes these are the same people that ignore all the great resources that are available from research, or from wisdom of parents before us.
Do you know some parents whose children are amazing? Take them to dinner and interview them! What do you have to lose?
Additionally, there are psychologists and educators who have been studying parenting behaviors and the effects on children for decades.
If parenting is one of the most important roles we will ever have in our lives, it’s crazy not to take advantage of the great resources so widely available today.
Here are five essential principles for parenting from great resources I’ve found:
- Love. Clearly, love should be the very first ingredient in parenting. Some famous historical studies at the turn of the century showed that the death rate for orphanages in the U.S. and U.K. was near 100% (Dr. Harry Bawkin). These studies concluded that a major contributor to the high mortality rate was lack of physical and emotional nurturing. National Geographic conducted a 14-year study on Romanian Orphanages that they published in 2013 which showed again that children needed families to thrive, and advocated for foster care as opposed to orphanages. Neuroscience research continues to suggest that ages 0-3 are critical formative years for the brain. The child’s brain at this age learns whether the world is safe, and if people can be trusted. Love provides this vital foundation.
- Time. It’s no secret—parenting requires time, and generally lots of it. My friends tried to tell me, but I didn’t really get it before I went through it for myself. And it’s hard to make up quality without quantity of time with your kids. People generally never regret scheduling big and consistent chunks of time to proactively influence their children’s lives. Alternatively, they almost always regret not doing it because you cannot get that time back. And what if your life was cut shorter than you thought it would be—would you wish you had devoted more time to influencing your children?
- Fun. Two of my favorite authors—Ray Johnston and Andy Stanley—pastors of some of the largest churches in North America, both emphasize fun as a vital element in effective parenting. They say it is the best way to ensure our kids will want to hang out with us after they leave home. Johnston also emphasizes—“If your life doesn’t look fun, they are unlikely to follow in your footsteps.” Schedule tons of incredible memories that are fun for your children, and make sure your life looks fun too.
- Discipline and consequences. How we handle discipline can have a big impact on our kids. Psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend say that parents become boundaries in life for their children that their children ultimately internalize. In other words, they learn their own internal limit system by the boundaries we impose early in life. My wife and I have taken several Love and Logic parenting classes that have also been enormously helpful (I have no financial relationship with Love and Logic Institute). Without it, we would have had a much harder time. Here are just a few key principles they teach: Self-esteem only develops through struggle so don’t over-help your children; showing anger mostly fuels the bad behavior you don’t want; don’t give warnings (or certainly not more than one) because real life often doesn’t work that way; and we need to let our kids learn from their mistakes as much as possible early in life when the consequences are less serious. The real world often has severe consequences for poor choices we make. Kids will be better equipped for life the sooner they understand this cause and effect relationship. Never has this been more clearly stated than in the Bible: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11 NIV).
- Modeling. Leadership expert John Maxwell says the most basic principle of leadership is that “people do what people see.” You cannot go wrong with a big emphasis on leading yourself well. Even in the early years, my kids have constantly surprised me by imitating things my wife and I do. Seeing an example repeatedly is one of the most powerful and basic forms of human learning. It is a good reminder that more is caught than taught.
Have a great weekend!
Parker
Suggested Resources
- Love and Logic by Fay and Kline (different books for different ages)
- Boundaries with Children by Cloud and Townsend
- Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker
- Becoming Babywise by Bucknam and Ezzo
- The Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp
- The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp
