Every so often, you hear a quote that changes your whole perspective.
This one did that for me several years ago:
“You are the average of the top 5 people you spend the most time with.” –Jim Rohn
Stop and reflect for just a moment—Who is in your top five?
How is this affecting the trajectory of your life? Is this on purpose?
If you are still hanging out with friends or family members by default instead of by design, it’s not too late to change.
To a huge extent, we become who we hang out with.
One example for me is mountain biking.
For years I rode alone or with people that don’t ride much, and my skills and fitness didn’t improve. I rode at a comfortable pace and didn’t go far.
And If mountain biking had ninjas, then my friend Kelly is a mountain bike ninja.
When I finally got over my insecurity of riding with him—I got better—rapidly.
When I ride with people who are faster and more skilled than I am, I am quickly stretched by their pace, distance, and superior technique. That would never happen if I only rode with people I was comfortable biking with.
Life is not much different.
Research backs up the notion that the relationships we choose are a major force in shaping who we become.
Positive relational buoyancy
A few years ago, I decided to aim for positive relational buoyancy. That simply means I need more people in my life that lift me up, than drag me down.
Don’t get me wrong, I love helping people. And that often involves spending time with people who are in a hard season of life or difficult to be around. Furthermore, when we encounter challenges with people, it can help uncover extremely important things we need to work on in ourselves. It can also help us grow in grace and patience (arguably two of the most important qualities in life).
But if you’re average is only filled with difficult people, you will find it very hard to maintain your hope, energy, and compassion for those around you.
Ray Johnston is the lead pastor of Bayside Church in Granite Bay, California—one of the largest churches in the North America. Here is a quote from Ray’s book The Hope Quotient—“A few years ago, my wife and I made the decision that if someone was too discouraging, we would not spend much social time with that person. What I realized is this—the father, husband, pastor… (the leader) I need to be are just too important, and I need to be at my best. So I watch who I hang out with.”
Apparently, minimizing time with discouraging people is even something pastors find necessary.
Research on social environments
There’s an old saying—show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.
And research has begun to illuminate the data that supports this adage.
In a massive Harvard study, The Equality of Opportunity Project, they showed that whether you will improve your economic situation is highly predicted by the county you live in.
In another large and mind-bending study of the effects of our social environments, researchers found that even the habits of a friend of a friend of a friend can influence your life without you even knowing it.
In their 2009 book Connected, Harvard and Yale alumni James Fowler and Nicolas Christakis explain their theory on the “three degrees of separation” and how social networks influence human health and behavior.
Here is an excerpt from the New York Times book review:
“So if your friend’s friend’s friend — whom you’ve never met, and lives a thousand miles away — gains weight, you’re likely to gain weight, too. And if your friend’s friend’s friend loses weight, you’re likely to lose weight, too.”
Their conclusion is that biological and behavioral traits are strongly influenced by social ties—even distant ones.
The authors illustrate how everything from back pain, to suicide, to sexual practices among teens, to politics—often spread by social contagion.
Much of their research is based on the famous Framingham Massachusetts Heart Study data which ran from 1948 until present day.
If you are wondering how these influences can actually pass through distant social connection, read the New York Times review below.
In our culture of hard-core individualism, we like to think we can make changes on our own while ignoring our social environment. But countless studies debunk this thinking.
Another book filled with studies that support this idea is Willpower Doesn’t Work by Benjamin Hardy. In it, Hardy convincingly argues that if you want to become a professional skier or rock climber, you need to hang around those people in order to have a shot at stretching your skills to that level.
Turn information into action
- Find a mentor whose lifestyle you admire. A basic principle of human behavior is that people do what people see. I’ve seen this repeatedly in leadership. If you don’t have a leader at work you want to follow, go find someone outside your workplace whose life you admire.
- Join a group. A few years ago my wife and I joined a yearlong marriage program. We got to spend time every week with other married couples who wanted to strengthen their marriages. Whether it’s a fitness group, a life group, or a mastermind group— find a way to get around other people who have the same goals.
- Read what you want to become. Reading is a great way to be influenced by someone you may never meet. Five years from now, you will be the same person you are today except for the books you read and the people you meet.
- Hire a coach or therapist. Coaching helps you carve out time every week where you can reflect on whether you are headed in the direction you want to go in your life. They can ask the hard questions your friends and family are not willing to ask, and serve as a champion for your dreams.
- End a relationship. This might be what you need to change your average. I love the book Necessary Endings by psychologist and coach Dr. Henry Cloud. The title says it all.
- Go on new friend dates. This can be scary the older you get. People seem settled in their circles, but there are often people just like you looking to make some new friends. Take some risks on getting rejected and realize it always takes time to form new relationships.
- Teach your kids to select good friends. Have a conversation this weekend with your kids about how important it is to choose good friends. What qualities do they think are important in a close friend?
- Be selective about romantic relationships. Few decisions will have a greater impact on your life than who you choose to date or marry. If you aren’t married yet, go slow and set high standards. If you are married, it might be time to dig in and do the hard work.
- Be the friend you want. If you are the kind of person that is always complaining, you might be the person people want out of their average! If that could be true, it’s time for you to become the friend you’ve always wanted.
- Be the least skilled person in the room. If you are always the smartest person in the room, then you aren’t placing yourself around people who will stretch you. Make it your goal to get into a room with others who will stretch you.
Have a great weekend!
Parker
Suggested Resources
- Ray Johnston—The Hope Quotient
- Daniel Goleman—Emotional Intelligence
- Willpower doesn’t work—Benjamin Hardy
- Connected—Fowler & Christakis
- New York Times Book Review https://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/04/books/review/Stossel-t.html
- The Proximity Principle—Ken Coleman
