“Regrets are illuminations come too late.” –Joseph Campbell
The BIG IDEA: What if you could know what most people regret at the end of life and use that information to change your choices long before your death? Now you can.
My father’s story
If you have ever felt a deep sense of regret, it’s sting is unforgettable.
When I was young, my father told me a powerful story about his dad.
Although I don’t really remember my paternal grandfather, I am told he was a very stoic man. Typical of men in his generation, he did not show much emotion. During my dad’s entire lifetime, my grandfather never once told my dad that he loved him.
When my grandfather was very ill with pancreatic cancer and nearing the end of his life, my dad decided he was going tell his dad that he loved him for the first time. But he never made it a priority, and my grandfather died before my dad could tell him.
I can still see the agony in my father’s face when he told me this story.
Understanding the pitfalls of regret is a huge step in personal leadership—and an important concept to share with your children.
Why think about your death now?
Although talking about death seems morbid, I think everyone can benefit from thinking about the end of their life and deeply considering the legacy they want to leave.
We are all going to die someday—some of us sooner than we imagine.
And people who live in denial of this fact—or purposefully put death out of their minds until the very end—pay a huge price. Thinking about the end of your life can be an incredible catalyst for changing your behavior now and beginning to make decisions that write the story you want your life to tell, before you close the final chapter.
This is why many executive coaches begin with exercises that force people to think about the end of their lives.
I once heard that the definition of wisdom is learning from those who have gone before you—without having to make all the mistakes they made in order to know what they now know.
What if you could know the types of things you might regret at the end of your life—but learn them now—and make different choices to avoid the painful heartache of wishing you had made different investments with your time?
Bronnie Ware is an Australian hospice nurse who spent many years of her life with people who were dying. As she sat with people reflecting on their lives, the good and the bad, she began to see clear themes emerging.
People commonly shared strikingly similar regrets when talking about what they wished they would have done differently in life. She recorded these insights in her book, The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying.
We can glean incredible wisdom from her findings.
Here are the top 5 regrets:
- I wish I had had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. As a recovering people pleaser and perfectionist, this one hits home for me. For decades I adjusted my behavior based on other people’s reactions. But when you pursue your dreams—one thing is guaranteed—not everyone is going to think it’s a good idea. Some will ridicule or attack you for what you are doing. But the price you pay for dying with your gifts or dreams is too costly. Here is what Ware says, “When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind.”
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.While both women and men said this, every single male hospice patient she worked with said this. They missed their children’s youth and lost opportunities to invest in their marriages. Now this next part is profound—many of them felt they could have simplified their lifestyles in order to lessen the need for more income, and hence reduced the need to work such long hours. They would have gladly traded that for more time with the people in their lives who mattered most. Wow.
- I wish I had the courage to express my real feelings. Many people swallow their true feelings to keep the peace. Ironically, when we do this, we settle for shallow relationships and never become the people we are capable of being. Others don’t get the benefit of knowing who we really are—and we rob them of the opportunity to change when we are not honest. Sometimes telling the truth also helps us find out about people’s true character—thus helping us shed toxic people from our lives. Furthermore, numerous studies show that swallowing your true feelings can lead to significant health problems, especially over time. Here is something I now believe deeply, when you don’t express your feelings, they will eventually show up somewhere in your body.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with friends. As many prior studies have shown, relationships and a sense of community is vital to a thriving life. Make the time to invest in friendships, you won’t regret it.
- I wish I had let myself be happier. Many people stay stuck in old patterns and habits, not realizing until much later in life that happiness is a choice. Research confirms that about 50% of our happiness is based on how we choose to see things and react to them. Ware’s patients wished they had been sillier, laughed more, and focused more on being content with what they already had.
“When faced with your rapidly approaching death, all the physical details of life fall away. Money and status hold no true importance. All that remains is love and relationships.” –Bronnie Ware
What Ware found in her interviews with her patients is consistent with other research about what makes life truly fulfilling (See my prior posts on Harvard happiness research and the 7 Habits of Happy People from positive psychology research).
The “illumination of regret” does not have to come too late for you.
How can you apply this learning to your life right now?
Turn information into action—Self Assessment
- Don’t live in denial of your death. Set aside time this week to reflect on the 5 things above. How do your current behaviors stack up with the regrets listed? Give yourself a score on each item (1 for not doing well, 10 means you couldn’t do much better). As you look at your score, are you on a trajectory for regret at the end of your life? Or peace and contentment?
Have a great weekend!
*If you have enjoyed Parker’s blog, check out The Next Peak Podcast that Parker co-hosts. We interview successful leaders and discuss research-based principles that help people win in the workplace without compromising the things that matter most—relationships, a life of purpose, and health.
Bronnie Ware—The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying